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outta here

just take it away... they can never have yesterday

i find myself at an interesting place in life.  parts of it seem similar to other times i've gone through.  yet its different.  i'm 22 years old now and starting my "real" adult life.  i've always thought of myself as a somewhat responsible and mature person.  i've been told by many that i'm mature for my age and adults seems to really like working with me and i dont drive them crazy like other people around my age.  yet, at this point in time i feel like a child.  to put it more frankly, i feel like i'm being  a little bitch and i dont know why.  i can normally get myself up and out of these lows but it seems as though i have no will to.  maybe i do crave for attention, i dont know if i do it often but i guess its now that i'm finally screaming for attention.  from who?  that i dont know.  for what reason?  i dont know either.  maybe its the transition from college life to life back at home.  i remember i struggled in college.  going from a "high school socialite" to 1 of 38,000 in college.  to those of you who were blessed with my countless phone calls every minute of the day out of my loneliness...  you remember how i was.  perhaps its like that again.  getting adjusted, meeting people, finding myself, knowing who i am, what i want and etc.  well, now i'm just rambling.  why am i such a whiny little emo bitch lately?  make it stop!  

okay, i know the answer to that.  i'm the only one who can stop it.  yes, i know.  well give me until thursday when i get paid.  retail therapy will make me feel a little better.  just dont tell my parents.  by the way, omg living at home again is soo...... WEIRD.  there are these people who like go through my mail and my bills and tell me what to do.  damn those parents!  why?  i know i'm doing the right thing by living at home and saving money.  but how i miss the privacy and freedom.  oh and.... wth.  i pay my parents rent!  that's whack!  its not a lot of money and i really should look at it as me paying them back for all the money they shelled out for college.... but damn!

on to happier things...

pasta pomodoro seems pretty chill.  i'm training at mccarthy ranch and they have a chill staff.  nothing beats my KAK crew.  fuck i miss you guys.  HB....  i miss slaving away over charcoal and meat with you guys.  we have this boy at pasta p whose training to be a server.  he left a couple of his tables unbussed.  and since he is really religious we thought it best to tell him that jesus doesn't like dirty tables.  i loved it.  i'm shocked that i didn't come up with it.  you all know how jesus and i are homies.

okay...  A.D.D.  kicking in...

nah nuh ahn nuh leh

again and again

eh eh eh eh... 2 ne 1

just got back from la.  overall...  good trip!  got wasted.  got clothes.  got kevin kut.  this trip just made me realize how thankful i am for my friends.  thanks everyone for showing me a good time and taking care of me emotionally... cause god knows i tried taking care of your drunk asses!  i'm currently working hard on moving on and realizing what a good friend peter pan is and can be.  i guess i got so caught up by my surprise of you that it became really hard to let go.  damn you for setting my standards high.  but i'm thankful i've met you and i hope we can continue to be friends.  sorry if i make shit awkward but i'm working on it right?  anyways, i start the new job on wednesday and so another chapter of my life begins.  i hope everything works out and that this is just a rough patch in my life right now.  i'll find a reason to make me happy.  he'll come.  or circumstances will change... lol.  

damn that wishful thinking!

questions

crying game.  who wants to play?  when all there are, are losers.

i really don't know what to believe right now.  as much as i want to believe in you.  my insecurities send me self doubt.  stupid me for believing it would work.  i need to stop falling before considering reality.  

sighz

poker face

lala land and happy

current status... a mess.  unhappy with work.  unhappy at home.  unhappy in the head.  mostly, unhappy in the heart.  guess i'm not superman after all.  guess i can't have it all or do it all.  it makes me wonder what has happened?  i moved back home and found happiness in the comfort of my surroundings, my best friends and meeting a namja.  landed a cool job for a great concept.  friends visiting from la left and right.  everything was great.  then, everything that was great got to be too much.  and now the shit has hit the fan and its all crumbling down.  my head hurts.  constantly.  i don't like eating anymore.  i can't sleep.  i always have anxiety and feel restless.  my heart always feels like its beating at 50xs the speed it should be beating at.  hair is falling out.  and mostly, i'm unhappy.  i have my family and friends here but never have i felt so alone before.  in all my unhappiness, i can't even begin to describe how unhappy i feel and how lonely it feels for me right now.  i sound like a little bitch.  but hey!  sometimes you're allowed to be.  this rough patch in my life has taken me aback and i never saw it coming.  but hey, hey, hey... guess what this songs about...[sorry boa]  guess i gotta keep going on and make sure you can't read my, can't read my.. poker face

timing sucks.  i know that i like you.  i haven't felt this way in a while.  distance sucks.  this all sucks.  fuck beyonce!  if you like it then you should have put a ring on it.... well sometimes putting a ring on it takes time... that bitch!  whatever, if its meant to be... it'll happen one day.  all i can hope is that i don't get thrown into the "no need to talk to anymore" pile. 

sigh...

i'm climbing the walls... you got me obsessed!

i'll eat you up

i've been so busy i havent had time to post in forever.  all i can update about is peter pan.  he's so adorable.  can't wait to go to la and hang out with peter pan.  frickin nmaja!  you're so cute! haha.  scratch that... PETER PAN.... WHAT A HOTTIE!  i've been reminded that i go to crazy town when i am sleep deprived.  so... in regards to crazy town... i would like to thank clark for taking over driving home from sf the other night and apologize for ktfo-ing and snoring up a storm in the car!  also, peter pan... i am sorry i ktfo-ed on you on the phone those couple of times.  i owe you.  but then again... you owe me too!  anyways i need to be studying for my stats final.  i pray i do well enough just to pass the class, that's all i ask...

just dance it'll be okay

puh-puh-puh-puh-puh- poker face

so... old people... what to say about them?  i dunno.  like... they suck!  haha!  so far i've been yelled at by two of the south bay's most pleasant old people.  yesterday some old guy came into the store and looked at our case of crazy donuts.  then he came up to me and was like "i am not happy!" and walked out.  upon his departure, i turned to my boss and said... "i am happy!"  Then, today, some old lady comes in and just gives me a dirrty look.  then she orders some plain donut.  as she pays, she sees our x-ray scans on our light box and is like "what is all that on the wall?"  i reply, ever-so sweetly "those are x-rays to go with our retro asylum theme"  she looks at me and shakes her said and says ever-so nastily "i don't get it and i don't like it, why would you do that?"  and i respond "lemme see bitch... we're a retro asylum, i'm in a doctor's lab coat and we have girls in nurses outfits, a padded cell and strait jackets, you tell me hussy!" [at the top of my lungs... in my mind]  oh old people...  if only i can get you into our strait jackets and just leave you there...

papa paparazzi